I have linked to the Onion in the past, and I’m not going to stop. A new article entitled Activision Reports Reports Sluggish Sales for Sousaphone Hero just went up, and it’s quite a gas.

Players may also choose from 27 different fat-guy characters who can be customized with Alpine hats, epaulets, and a mustache editor with a wide array of options.

and:

Hendleman also emphasized the “fun” rewards players receive as they become more proficient. If they hit enough correct notes in a row, the on-screen crowd yells “huzzah” and “bully,” and the sousaphone controller’s spit valve will “drain.” Flubbing notes, however, makes the controller “fill” with spit, preventing further play and causing the crowd to throw rotten eggs at the hapless on-screen sousaphonist. If characters earn enough bonus points in career mode, they can spend their Liberty-head nickels on a red, green, or blue “sock” for their sousaphone’s bell, or an invigorating chunk of peanut brittle.

That’s pure gold right there, doubly so because it reminds me of Mr. Show’s take on Amadeus, which may be my favorite sketch of the four Mr. Show seasons.